Tuesday 2nd January

Just taking communion at the moment - God doesn't mind me writing this at the same time. I've had a peculiar few days - lots of new things have happened (mainly people telling me things) and some fairly serious effect has been produced on my mind and heart. I think a little of my confidence has been shaken (that's my self confidence, by the way - confidence in God is greater), and I've been a little bit shocked on several seperate occasions. Whatever the precise effect, God appears to be using it to draw me closer to him, which is nice. I'm not sure about this, but I feel a little - just a little bit - like I've fallen in love with God. Still dead selfish and nasty as always, but I think God just added a drop of something nicer to my personality - maybe something softer and more emotional. Probably won't be noticeable from outside, but it could be pretty helpful. I also feel a bit like we're winning, as in, me and God winning out over the evil that remains in my character. We've always been winning, of course, but I seem to be seeing some evidence of it for the first time in months - and it's definitely God winning here, because I haven't really been fighting very hard recently.

Another thing is that I think my mind's gone into a mild state of shock - like I said, lots of little shocks have been applied to it, and the effect is apparently cumulative. And I think that's caused me to end my brief sojourn into the famous comfort zone - very brief first-time visit, and I wasn't even that comfortable, just comfortable enough to lack the desperation for a sustained effort to fight. That brief period being over, I can definitely say that I suck at fighting when my life isn't being torn apart - hope I improve on that one. Which I will, 'cause God tends to improve us all with time if we'll only let him. It's odd this time as well, because I'm only partly uncomfortable for my own sake - about half of it is on behalf of my friends this time, I think. Just have to see how it goes!

Phil will be in St. Ives tonight - he didn't call, and I didn't attempt to call him - not sure if his mobile works. I will try tomorrow nonetheless. I'll keep my mobile handy tonight as well, against the unlikely possibility that he calls in the middle of the night. Love to everyone - and just a thought - if someone like me can feel happy and joyful purely because of God being here, so can a person like you. There is hope!