Am pretty sure there's NO way I'm getting to sleep now....cold has got worse, and have been awake all night. Went to Phil's last weekend, with Miri. Was really good - wish it could have been longer. Went round Ely cathedral, and saw Naomi and her new house, and just hung around a lot!
Sometime Saturday evening I found myself getting frustrated at the seemingly low priority God has in my life. Am sure I'll have said this sort of thing before, but I think I actually spend more time playing computer games than talking to God! Decided to set aside an hour on every night when I'm not going out - don't know if that will seem a lot to some people - am just really fed up. I mean, if God is real in the way we believe he is (which he is, of course!) spending time with him is more important than life itself. I feel as if I'm just immersed in the 'game' of my life, when I don't need to be - God can take us out of that game. I think on Saturday I said it was like the difference between being a playing piece, and being outside the game just controlling your playing piece - like we don't need to live in the natural world in the way everyone else does.
Couldn't explain it then and I can't explain it now! But I feel something's wrong, and since Sunday morning (I think) I've been making a huge determined effort to always be aware of God's presence. Has been weird - for one thing, I woke up on Sunday with the beginnings of a cold, which has been getting worse ever since! And the temptations are terrible, and the bible is suddenly really hard to read - even normally easy bits requiring heaps of concentration - and I feel like my body's made of glass and is about to shatter under the strain! But everything is different, too - felt like I'd walked into a different school yesterday morning, and while the feeling wore off, stuff just isn't getting to me the same. REAL help is only a prayer away ALL the time - guess that's always true, really, but seems more real, more helpful now. Feel like I can't possibly keep this up much longer, but believe it must be possible in God, even though it feels impossible.
Went to see Gary tonight - he's up for a few days. Found that even though I was going out, and there was no set 'rule' to follow, it was hard to read anything but the bible, and hard to do anything but hang with God or with other people - poor neglected computer! Have definitely got much less 'free' time, but feel urgently that I have to choose between my life and God, and that's a choice I made a long time ago! Dunno, maybe this'll all collapse in a day or so - being ill is NOT helping, nor is much else that's happening, but am pretty intent on not willingly giving up! Am leaving the strength aspect to God, because I can't do much else - I KNOW I can't keep this up myself, and that's not an 'in my own strength' platitude, I feel like the strain is literally killing me!
Gaz reminded me tonight of our long-ago attempt to sort out the 'miracle' problem - our 'ability' to perform miracles seems to have actually diminished since we were younger. Just made me think that in a way I've never stopped trying to solve that problem, and what I'm trying to do now is just another attempt....although it's more than that, too....
Going to Cambridge doesn't seem so scary now!