June already, huh? Still no job - have an exam on Friday, in an attempt to rectify that. Has taken far too long, largely thanks to Microsoft's appalling revision guide... Anyway, have been cutting down on interviews in Cambridge, am not going now unless the job is REALLY good, because the cost of getting there is so high. Am actually a lot happier up here than I have been, so God might need to give me another prod to move me anyway. We'll see. Am heading down there briefly on Monday though, but just to visit Phil! Have got full access to the car that week...
I've been thinking... it's sort of related to that sermon Jeanette did, in which, if I remember correctly, she said that every wrong or excessive desire we have is rooted in something God can provide, something we're missing. What I'm thinking is hardly an original thought, but it also relates to what people call 'the magic of childhood'. There's a feeling, which people probably get most often in music. Michelle said she got goosebumps tonight while we were doing a song, and it's a feeling I associate with that too - like a desperate longing for something that simply doesn't exist in this universe. A satisfaction, I guess, a feeling of completeness that is never achieved in this life.
C.S. Lewis reckoned that this desire, for something not to be found in this life, is evidence for the existence of the next. I don't need evidence, but it does affect me in that there is hope that what I'm looking for during those moments actually exists, that it will be found in heaven. I've been in the habit of reacting to these - frequent - episodes with depression, but I feel more inclined to treat them with hope. Almost with excitement. I listen to my slightly irregular heartbeat, and think, maybe this yearning will be finally satisfied, maybe the happy ending is only a few beats away!
The thrill of a beautiful new song. The excitement of a new, unsuspected interest. Even seemingly banal things, like getting excited about a new computer game, or whatever. They're all shadows, fleeting glimpses of something that one day we will really have.
And it's closer than it looks. How much of a shift in our perception would it take to see heaven? The bible says we're seated in heavenly places right now - we could reach out and touch heaven, if we could only sense it. In some ways life is less cruel than it seems. There's no need to come to terms with your own mortality, because you're not mortal. There's no need to give up chasing the rainbow's end, because it does exist. Idealism isn't stupid. Realism isn't realistic. Just because you're blind doesn't mean there's nothing to see. The view is breathtaking.
Just thinking aloud!